an open letter to lindsay lohan.

dear lindsay ,
as much as i sometimes wish i was you and lived your crazy life, you really stop making people think its alright to walk around looking like they belong in willy wonka’s factory.  seriously – its rude.
the colour orange only belongs on certain things; included are creamsicles, oranges, your head and muppet fur.

unfortunately your skin does not fit into this category.

please do something about this soon.  we’re all concerned.

sincerely,

jamie.

if you, or someone you know has fallen victim to a serious case of dorito-face or splotchy hands, there is help available.

a big thank you goes out to a special relative of mine for letting me know about this one – you know who you are.

the glorious folks over at vichy reformulated their self-tanner capital soleil: auto bronzant, turning it from a carrot-toned finish to a beautiful natural bronze that has everyone asking me where i went on vacation. shhh! don’t tell!

at $25, i think i can sacrifice a case of ginger-vitus for the cash.

click here for the self-tanner hall of shame.

caffeine fix.

you know whats weird? people who don’t drink coffee.

well, i actually happen to be one of those weirdos and what’s even weirder is that (until recently) i worked in a coffee shop.

(WARNING: YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE EXPOSED TO SOME SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION)

i’m not tryin’ to brag or anything, but yes, you are looking at coffee royalty – the creator of the cinnamon spice latte at second cup. although i recently left my place of employment, i remain a local celebrity in the eyes of my former colleagues…or at least i think i do.

now, i don’t mean to toot my own horn, but goddamn thats a good drink.

if you live in canada, or plan on visiting, go try the drink and tell them you know the creator.  you might get a discount.

freshly sexed hair.

i thought i’d start things off with a bang – literally.

i’m not sure if it went anywhere, but the sexy “bed-head” look is back.

if you’re like me and have baby-thin hair, no root volume, or are just plain lazy, then osis DUST IT mattifying powder is probably the best thing to ever happen to you.

…just saying.

the product itself is a strange white powder that gives your hair awesome texture and an alarming amount of volume – all with very little effort.  in fact, it turned my friend into a lion on halloween.

so, if you want to look freshly f%#*ed or like you just crawled out of a dumpster then i highly suggest buying this product.

(I apologize for the potty mouth).

les raton laveurs.

bert raccon? is that you?

tired of people mistaking you for a ufc fighter or a character from one of the greatest cartoons of the 90’s?

well stop fucking complaining about it and do something!

introducing: benefit’s ERASE paste.

quite possibly the best concealer ever invented (by man). i can go for days with minimal sleep and no one can tell. trust me, this is a big deal – i’m the queen of the bandits.

yes, its a bit pricey at $35, but well worth it for the amount you have to use; a tiny dab smaller than a pencil eraser will conceal under both eyes and then some. oh, and it also lasts foreeeeeevvvver.

so, do yourself and your friends a favour; go out and buy some erase paste.